Saturday, February 11, 2017

Empty.

Assalamualaikum and good day all.

Lately, I don't feel quite well. There's always something that I might be worried about. I think it's only normal to feel this way when you have some kinds of symptoms of certain illnesses. And for me, I think it might be something that have to do with my bowel habits and my hormones as well.

I'm not sure if it's normal, but recently I feel empty and I think I'm quite depressed deep inside. Like, deep deep very deeeeeeeeeeppppppp inside. That I couldn't reach to anybody, not even my husband. As if he'd never understand me, and I couldn't tell him more about it. Or it may because of my hormones disorder?

I've been experiencing menses disorder; excessive and non stop bleeding for such a long period of time -- sometimes it's heavy and sometimes it's not -- just a little spot of it. I've been seeing too many doctors because of this. And none of them said it's a thing that I should be worried about.

About my bowel habits. Is it normal to have hard feces most of the time? That I have to do something about it, like push it hard and sometimes more than that? Or actually, I'm experiencing some kind of haemorrhoids?

My baby girl is still small. What if I couldn't make it -- to see her growing up and happy? What if I have to suffer and make everyone around me suffer as well because of this kind of illness? What if I'm not strong enough to face it? So many what ifs and it's just making me more frustrated. I feel like I haven't given my best yet -- to my daughter, husband, parents, all my beloved ones. And I haven't done my best yet to face Him -- the Almighty after all.

I'm actually so scared. Too scared that I'd have nightmares every night. I couldn't sleep well because I might overthink about what I dreamt about. I might overthink even when I'm awake, about what'll happen to me if I've been diagnosed with such illness?

Dear blog, you'll be my only companion through this journey of anxiety of mine. Promise you'll be loyal, okay?

No comments: